Being Real With Myself - Facing My Fears and My Inner Child

Updated: May 22, 2019

Do you ever run from your own thoughts, knowing your mind is more real than you are willing to accept? Running because your inner voice is honest without filtration or cease? Letting you know where your trauma is being fed and allowed to grow, wildly like primitive rooted dandelions that were once carried from an unkempt lawn, via the twisted kyphotic and lordotic spine of the wind, far enough down the rode that you can hear the birds singing in the neighbored trees, but the butterfly cozy in its cocoon must be approached to be present to the eye. We know even the smallest of breaches in cement, no matter how minute, is large enough to fall victim to airborne seeds searching for even the most barren sector to call its "crib".

Dandelions spread love without the shame of baring their soul: naked.

I took a trip to Galveston for the first time in my short lived "forever." This meeting at the wet pre-altered glass grains was a pivotal instant of love and fearlessness that changed my way of thinking. The Creator revealed to me how I operate in the midst of my terrors. I found myself shedding my persistent anxiety to the shore, leaving it behind with each cautious step I took deeper into the belly dancing waters of the Gulf. With much doubt and bravery, I was ready to walk into the playful, coy, catlike swatter of the waves against my skin, closer to the shade of my father's, but bless beautifully with rich brown undertones of my mother's brown godly hue. I walked, but I was not treading the murky waters alone!

My "fearlessness" and confidence were elevated due to having a friend walk along side of me. Telling me, "My oldest son walks further than this all of the time." I wanted to ascend deeper into my fear. So deep that I'd either be swept away looking into the eye of my Boogieman or find triumph from unraveling the ties that prompt my palms to sweat and my mind to initiate a rebuttal to frightening stimuli. I was now waist-deep in the cloudy beige swell, enjoying the back and forth of our engagement. I was happy and content enough to close my eyes to take in what I most unconsciously ignore: consciousnesses.

We wave at one another, just as the sea waves at the shore. The same hand that waves has the synonymous ability to destroy anything it touches equally as the sea.

When sight is no longer leading like the hungriest Alpha wolf in the Alpines other senses have the stage to express their due diligence. With my eyes closed I absorbed the sounds of the stewing waves rolling upon my body like a kitten pressing its head upon my skin repeatedly in loving spirits. The smell of the salted water danced within my nostrils. My tongue tart with the twinging flavor of the earths blood. I could hear the conversations of the elements. How they communicate is so soulfully electric, I became stuck in the hypnotic mutters. I was now apart of an ongoing discussion many unknowingly miscarry. Distraction is the new focus. #socialmedia

With my eyes closed the vibrations of the earth resonated throughout my shapeless form. Pulsating grandly. I felt safe. Nature was undeniably courting me as if I were a peafowl stalking the terrain for the fanned feathers of the most beautiful beau in the land. For what seemed like the longest brief. That moment could have felt like forever if I did not have a strawberry seed of fear, but I did. The seed began to expand causing my eyes to part. My ocular orbs scanned the horizon messily. I was now alone and further into the unknown than I have ever been.

I osculated around to the direction of the sand to see my friend's foot just a few splashes away from the meeting grounds of liquid and solid. She left me.

Learn to travel your roads alone. You will fold in your loneliness if you only choose to navigate in the company of others.

My inner child began to panic upon realizing how far I was from the shore, alone. The appeared to be a distance the void of the grand canyon between myself and the shore. I didn't feel the gaping space when I was walking towards the buoyant waves. I was content exceeding my imaginary boundaries while in the company of my buddy. At this moment I fathomed that I need a hand to hold in order to face my fears. Rather it be posing by spiders in a photo shoot or tensely standing in a garden near bees, cringing while being told, "oh, they just want to smell you to see if you are a flower. You have nothing to worry about." Each time, encouragement helped me to face a bit of my horrors.

Once I become familiar with my weaknesses I actively stride towards diminishing them entirely. Creating meaningful strengths from their fossils. I took a deep breathe and closed my eyes once more, this time with intentional bravery manifested from the solitude of within. Evolutionary realization had sprouted inside of my brain like a jack plowing eagerly from its box after the last unsuspecting crank of its side-ward handle. Here, in the past "now," I became aware of several things.

1) It wasn't until I turned back to see where my friend was that I noticed how far into the water I stood alone. Looking back often dilutes ones progression.

2) I needed motivation to be more brave than I already thought I was. A hand to hold and a voice of endearment. I no longer seek that. I have faced my short comings and now I am aware. Evolution is a beautiful thing.

3) Once I opened my eyes, after confronting the teetering waves of Galveston, I saw the water as blue. The moment was brief, but life is what we make it; blue not brown!

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